Azeroth not real, Ballymena sadly is

In a tale of despair that has gripped millions worldwide cartographers have categorically stated that the popular escapist destination 'Azeroth' does not actually exist.

The Valley of Kings in Dun Morogh, not real.

American adventure company, Blizzard Entertainment, who specialize in extended escapism vacations have admitted that "it all started as a bit of a joke around the office one day".

Mike Morhaime, CEO of Blizzard said in a candid interview with WNN, "We were sitting about the office one day playing Warcraft 3 and generally just shooting the breeze when Chris [Metzen- Vice President of Creative Development] said 'It would be awesome to actually go to one of these places we've made'. We were all like yeah, yeah, at the time. We joked that Frank [Pearce- co founder] would probably get raped by an orc or something. That would be funny.

"Over time however the idea evolved into what I suppose in retrospect is really something like a pyramid scheme, basically selling people dreams and hope. We realized that we could expand the Warcraft world with lots of pretty colours, package it and brand it as the ultimate adventure vacation and see if the old adage 'There's one born every minute' rang true. It was nearly as much a social experiment as anything, but it got out of hand. People didn't realize that the only thing we were selling was a vacation from reality. The project took on a life of it's own and we just couldn't stop people sending us money.

The picturesque city of Darnassus, you can't actually go here.

"At first we tried sending it back, but people just bought more time from us. Next we tried sending it to charities but they thought we were laundering drug money and refused to accept it. Now we're just trying to do whatever you can with it, like take a look at these walls... that's not wallpaper, those are real hundreds. Here, have a bag of money. Seriously, take it, it's yours. God I'm so sorry, it was only a joke. I wish this had never happened!"

At this point Mr Morhaime burst into tears and curled up in the foetal position, sobbing gently and asked for me to get his mommy.

Millions of people across the globe had bought into the fairy dust promises of Blizzard Entertainment, and something of a global ennui has begun to set in amongst the overweight and adventurous shut-ins who had prepared themselves for a trip to Azeroth.

In a double whammy for the global adventurous those same cartographers who brought to light the non-existence of Azeroth had more unfortunate news to add:

"Whilst searching for the mythical land of Azeroth we inadvertently discovered that a fairy kingdom of empty promises and broken dreams, with two factions engaged in a tense stalemate does exist in the small country of Northern Ireland. We have named it 'Black Atrophia' which we believe to be a translation of the local word 'Ballymena'."

Early concept art for Black Atrophia.

"The positive, if one could use such a word when referring to this place, is that it may well prove to be an excellent questing ground for would-be adventurers. There are plenty of dark places, terrors, traps, and enemies to fight (or avoid if stealth is your preferred form of vacation)."

Quest map of Black Atrophia.

As part of this article I took myself off to see for myself this fabled land in the darkest Antrim heartlands, armed with a double barreled shotgun and a katana sword as recommended by the Northern Ireland Tourist Board in case I ran out of shells. Shockingly I found that the area was teaming with life, of a sort, it appears that Black Atrophia has been the victim of some form of necromancy or other malevolent art.

To my surprise however Black Atrophia is already attracting colourful bands of intrepid adventurers keen to make their mark on the world or perhaps simply hoping to avoid the pain and loss suffered from the admission that Azeroth was nothing more than a global fraud.

Adventurers questing in Black Atrophia.

I managed to stop one of the slavering beasts just as he set to devour a hapless adventurer in a place identified by the strange word 'Fairhill', the creature was more than happy to give me a quick interview:

"I'm glad someone finally came along and discovered us, hi. I always had this inkling in the back of my head that I really existed but I was never quite sure, you know, it was like 'I think therefore I am, I think' you know. And me mate Suds was like 'Shape oh you trying to be philo.. philo... thing'. But hi, I'm glad I can tell people I'm real now."

I am a stranger in a strange land.

Unfortunately my war correspondent's insurance does not cover me for questing in fantasy lands so I had to take my leave rather than venture any further into this bizarre realm. I thanked the monster and as I went on my way into the sunset I saw him enter an abandoned Burger King and resume life with a new self assurance.

Venturing the mean streets of Ballymena.